eh

So im not going to post what Iv decided to do about my positive pregnancy test. I DID, however, go to the doctors, and it was confirmed that Im about 8 weeks or so along. But due to the nature of this blog and not being able to please everyones opinions behind birth, abortion, adoption, etc, i figured id rather not have anyone judge me and just continue with what Im going to do. blah! Thanks for the commentary on previous posts! It means alot that I have followers who actually read my blog. Anyways Ill be back shortly with more updates,
xo
-B

fuck my life

dear bloggers,

my life sucks, fuck my life, my shitty life is gay....i really dont know many other ways to say it. I just found out the most devastating news of my life today. i peed on a stupid stick today and the faintest of two pink lines showed up. im so mad. how could this happen?? i barely eat, i do more drugs, and smoke more tobacco than anyone i know. how could this happen if we used a condom every single time, not even once did we slip up!!! OMG.....im sick to my stomach. i refuse to gain weight back, i cant do this. my world is falling apart. im failing out of ALL of my classes right now. im fucked. my world is being turned upside down and i feel like im sitting on the outside watching in. I dont know what to do, or what can possibly be done to fix this. urrrgghhhhh, this sucks.

what would you guys do?

guess whose back?

Dear bloggers,


yes, i know it has been forever since Iv posted on here. Not to to worry though, Iv lost about 35 pounds since my last entry and I couldnt be more ecstatic about it. I picked up a few newer worst habits then simply just cutting out food. I feel almost addicted to appetite suppressants as bad as weight loss supplements and the occassional line of cocaine. But Im falling more and more in love with my body everyday. More people notice my weight loss finally, and i feel like Im getting the attention I deserve. I just bought a new size medium swimsuit from wet seal which I love! its the kind where the sides are cut out, meaning i have to do like a billion crunches a day so that my fat doesnt hang over the sides...anyways im back to gain more insight on how all of my bloggers are doing and I want to lose another 45 pounds. Im at 140 now, but its so much better than the whomping 190 I was at a few months back. yay me, and yay us! I know ana loves me now...stay strong everyone : )


-B

suggestions anyone?

ok so heres my first issue. I cant eat when I wake up, all the way until like 9pm. Thats just the time I get hungry. I decided to eat when im hungry but FUCKKKK i dont wanna eat after 8pm but this would mean id never ever eat (who says this is a bad thing right?) hehe. unfortuanately I know i need to bring my metabolism to something so that i can continue to get the fucking fat off me. ugh im just super frustrated and for some odd reason...

unmotivated? like wth I know I shouldnt put a piece of chocolate in my mouth. the damn vending machines play mind games with me everytime i walk into or out of my building. I wish i could just kick the cravings all together, or find alternative routes out of the building that didnt take me to some outlandishly far place. ugh!

Im off to the gym right now. but seriously i need help, because i never know what the right thing to eat is or if i should even bother eating at all because obviously im not hungry. but i know its bad to eat at night. ughh. help? id greatly appreciate NICE comments. loves

xoxo

Fresh for spring

Hey everyone! Sorry I havent posted on here in a while, super busy with finals week and getting fired was really stressful, blehhhh. ill use that as my excuse for gaining 4 pounds. But I am back on track and in the right direction. I hit the gym today for 2 hours and have only had a smoothie today (which was bad enough, about 300 cals) but its already late, gotta head to a student panel and tour of the campus that im helping out with. Then by that time it will be time to head to the library for some quality study time. I have 2 days to get this english paper finished.

Anyways back to my dieting. I decided o allow myself up to 700 cals a day (i hardly ever eat this much anyways, unless im trying to) just so that I can work with figuring out the best ways to boost my metabolism for the next 20 pounds. I have until april 15th to be 20 pounds lighter. Spring break is this friday so I know this will be the hardest time to stay focused. (mother always force feeds me at herhouse) one of the pleasures of dormlife is that my roommate cant sit around and force me to eat. lovely! My mom sent me a care package for finals week and when i opened it all this candy and junk fell out all over the place. and i mean JUNK! candies, cookies, chips, cocoas, cup o noodles, you name it and some fat fucker found a way to fit it into these poor care packages that they send to nearly every freshman on campus! what the hell!?! give me money to get my nails done and relieve stress or something. haha im thankful, but i wasz pretty bummed that the only consumable thing was a few packs of tea, and even those were questionable brands. Anyways im still in gym clothes and this post is turning into something way longer than i had expected. Hope all you ladies are enjoying the weather starting to look better. springs right around the corner! lets think think bikinis!!!


xoxo

-B

.daylights saving time =)

So saturdays are my cheat days. not super cheat but over the past 24 hours I think Iv consumed small amounts of some of my favorite foods. (not going into any more detail, just know that 7-11 is the devil) I just got back from hangin out with a friend and decided to post at literally 4 in the morning. daylights saving time is a killer. I really wasnt in the mood for working out today either. I got to the gym and completely said forget it. it was really wierd. usually i look forward to workouts but for some reason mixed with my cheat day and the terrible week i had. i just wasnt up to it. hmmmm so tomorrow i have this family dinner thing so no more than 600 cals and it will be my only meal....most likely. than goin out with jaz to the club tomorrow. Im super excited and cant wait to go out. Alen looked at me today and said that he could super tell i was losing weight. He asked what i was doing and i just said i picked up a few more gym hours. I swear he knows about all of my food issues but refuses to accept the fct that they really DO EXIST. its just one of those things we dont talk about i guess. But feeling really tired so im off.. nighty ladies

stay strong =)

-B

my stupid fucking worthless life

So my dumb fat ass ugly four eyed stupid lifesucking racist daughter of a real FUCKING CUNT boss fired me today because I was 26 minutes late to work today. Let me inform all of you that my job is on the campus of my school and this is registration/finals week where everybodys schedule is hammered with extra unplanned shit. I have been waking up every day for the past few days at 5 to register for classes and each day the fucking classes i wanted were all filled. So i went to my counselor this morning and he helped me sooooo much and got me into some classes i really needed. (relief) of course i was running late, called my manager (she told me it was fine) then after i leave work (my other bitch ass manager) calls and was like oh you were late and we have a no tolerance for tardies. you stupid racist bitch ass whore every fucking other bitch i work with can call out sick every fucking day and who would they call to pick up the shift??? ME! and who works 30 hours weeks on a 19 hour max work limit? ME! and who is the best, quickest, and most accessible worker? ME! im so pissed I dont know what to do. I was supposed to be done with my fast yesterday but for some fucking reason I cant eat anything. I thought yesterday it was just because I was coming off the fast, but today i mentally told myself while walking to get a sandwich that i did NOT NEED THE FUCKING FOOD, walked my fat ass back to my dorm and cried. am i going crazy? i feel like i am.....someone help me..i feel like dying.

high....perfectionist

Me? a perfectionist? never. This girl in the picture? Pure thinsporfectionist!! hhahaha like my made-up word? Anywho I feeling absolutely euphoric right now. I didnt consume ANY calories for the past 3 days. Simply water. I decided to cut down on the sugar part of diet soda and BOY DOES IT HELP!! lost 5 pounds in 3 days. I stopped smoking while on this fast. I guess because I wanted to mentally challenge my mind. I remember this guy talking about how eating disorders were a mental disease and NOT a choice. I BEG to differ by saying that it is hard AS FUCK to not give into the temptation of foods luring evilness. I not only hate to even think about food but thinking about consuming it drives me crazy. Sometimes I think of foods I want all day long and it takes every last drop of water and magic I put into my body to keep me from eating it. && Im not saying i dont binge, believe me, i binge....but for some reason, i feel raaaather confident after this fast. I allowed myself 3 saltine crackers after my workout today for an hour and a half. I know the sodium is a killer in those things, but looking at my fat ass roommate pig out on all sorts of chocolate things makes me feel very strong still. Tomorrow will be a fruits and veggies and water day depending on the amount of hunger i get. I still need to lose 55 pounds by June 6th. That is my complete transformation date && i couldnt be more excited nor determined. I love getting on here and reading comments and others tips and tricks because it keeps me motivated and going!! Love you guys...think thin =)


<3BJ

holy crap.

Im so down right now. I went to this school dance on friday night and one of my facebook friends tagged me in a pic (i was trying to avoid cameras) and I swear when I saw it online a few minutes ago I wanted to cry. so much fat over my stomach that i looked pregnant. I am so embarassed I dont know what Im going to do. I havent eaten all day long....I probably wont eat tomorrow. Im entering this part of my ED where i dont even need food.. Its always on my mind which is why i sometimes loose my willpower but Im so addicted to my magic pills that I have zero appetite for the most part. I need this weight gone guys. Im really going crazy. I swear i pop 28 pills a day and drink water bottle after water bottle with some diet cokes and diet snapples in the mix. I want the resul.ts to come faster than this! if i werent so sick id go work out but I feel theres so much phlegm in my throat I cant even breath. Just took some nyquil so i should be knocked out in a few minutes. lol. sweet dreams everyone, stay strong!!

feeling lighter.

looking lighter. awwww so many people are starting to notice my weightloss and I couldnt be happier. Im currently down 20 pounds in the past 2 months and Im super happy about it. at this rate I will be down to my 115 in no time. all I do is pop my magic pills all day and drink water....oh and smoke, because I cant seem to give that up without eating massively!! eek its friday night and I want to go show off so I think me and alen are gunna go partyyyy. You guys have no idea how much of an inspiration you all are. I may not post everyday but I am always on here looking at your pages and looking for advice and thinspo and weight losses that you all are having that is really helping me stay focused. I dont see how anyone could hate Ana. Shes helped me sooo much and I have absolutely no intention of stopping. I watched alen eat a whopper last night and almost puked. and of course he drank and got sick so i was even more glad that I dont eat that nasty shit anymore. Americas food is sooooooo bad for you. no wonder half the country is fucking obese!! lol

I felt o bad for my manager at work because the entry to the back counter is particularly A small fit in between. She had to back out with these boxes and had the audacity to make fun of her by imitating a semi as it backs up "beeep beeep wide load coming through" omg i was embarassed for her. So think she needs my diet plan....


hmmmmmm comment me =)
lets chat ay?

<3

=)

so Im back in compplete control. I felt a little crazy the past few days but I am sooo ready to be on track and focus on my goals and what i need to do for me. Iv been feeling super depressed lately, dont know exactly why, but i know that im tired of it and i just want my control back. im headed to the gym now. I gained 2 pounds the past 3 days so im pretty upset but hey, im gunna workout very hard the next few days. keep yall posted =)

back in action

hey everyone. missed writing to you guys. i was at a really high stress level and a really high fat level so i kinda went into a seclusion of everyone and everything except exercise and water. now im down 12 pounds and feeling stronger than ever. Last time was the last time i vow to binge ever. there is no way food should be controlling my life like that. I am in control and I will lose the weight, and so will all of you guys if you stay positive. I just discovered diet snapple last night which is zero cals and super sweet in taste...My new best friend next to water of course =) anyways Im headed to an intense couple of hours at the gym. Thanks to all of the commenters I got on my last post, i really needed that support!! Love all of ya. stay strong && think thin =)

i hate myself

Im totally being a pussy and crying my eyes out right now. I came to my moms house for the weekend and i knew this was going to be a big challenge. I did well for the first 2 days not going over 500 cals, but today i was so busy that i just didnt eat. so about 20 minutes ago i made this soft taco and told myself id eat it if i just threw it up. I tried and tried and tried and just couldnt do it. my stomach was killing me. i need to drink something to just make me throw up. then i cried to my mom and she hugged me and said that my figure looked fine, to hell with thta im a fat fucking cow. i hate myself i dont know what to do guys....seriously i feel like dying right now. my stomach has this taco in it and all i can think about is getting rid of it. maybe i should go running or do like 1000 crunches......i hate my life right now. in order for me to be able to smoke after this im not eating for 2 days. thats right, no food until tuesday with alot of working out in between that time.

xo
BJ

staying strong

I finally decided that I would write down exactly how many calories Im allowed for each day for the next 3 months. Along with consequences if I fuck up that will NOT make me happy, one of these consequences is that i wont be able to smoke, which i cant seem to get enough of so Im pretty sure this will keep me from binging. hopefully, second day on this and Im doing swell. I had alot of waer today, a 100 calorie fat free yogurt and half a turkey and swiss on 9 grain (230 cals) hmmm 330 calories for today!! yay me

think thin ladies<3


BJ

do you think your a failure?

Soooo basically I was going through my comments (thanks to all of my followers) id be huge without you guys...seriously. and my first msn friend tulip, shes the coolest no doubt and the strongest woman iv seen in a long while. But basically I have been feeling like a complete failure for a while. I know that its hard ladies but we have to stay strong and work towards our goals. the weight will not lose itself....we have to stand up and be positive towards eachother and not leave crude comments or comments to make others feel any lower than they already feel (and trust there are just those days when i feel like a speck of dirt) but I found this inspirational quote and I just want all of you ladies who think you are failures to take this in, stick up your head, and think thin <3

"Failure is only a fact when you give up. Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?"-anonymous

BJ

today has been going superrrr splendid!!! Breakfast- hadda skip it because i wanted to sleep in a little before class. lunch- apple, water and fatfree yogurt, dinner? will probably be nothing because i have officially decided I will NOT eat after 7pm any longer and since I have a dating forum to run tonight until 8, i will just take some hoodia and call it a night with lots of water. alen told me today when i got out of the shower that he is seeing major improvements on my body. Never once has he judged me for my ed and for that...i love him forever, hes truly my best friend forever, haha enough of me being mushy. I just love having someone to talk to about food all the time even though i dont eat it, lol. anyways, hope you guys are staying strong and wish me luuuckkk <3

BJ

pain

uggghhhhh my stomach is killing me. ever go a few days without eating, get really drunk, hungover, and realize you have nothing to throw up o your just sick like all day?? omg this is me. im never drinking again i swear. lol. but anyways no class today (cuz im skipping) gunna go straight to the library and catch up on all of my school work. yay me! im super tired as well, i need a food meal plan, one that tells me how many calories i should be eating, the times i should be eating, and of course WHAT i should be eating, along with like a workout plan. im super confused, been lookin on the internet but i always just seem to find myself gazing at thinspo. this sucks..i just want all the fat gone....and NOW. i have 4 months to lose 40 pounds. i need a strict plan. helppp =(

as long as Im thin

I have not been doing as well on my so called "fast" ugghhh. pretty depressed about how that bagel and cream cheese blew over in my face. anywho, fieldtrip today for science class. at least this gives me incentive to not eat absolutely anything for the next 6 hours, then head straight to the gym. but iv lost weight so heyyyy yay me! i need a really good scale for my dorm. sick of having to go alllll the way to the gym to weigh myself everyday. guess that means i should work out....

b-water
l-water
d-

day 3

hmmmm so this is my third day fasting. they say this day is the hardest, I got some hoodia 500 last night and some colon cleaning pills. hopefully when I weigh myself today i will have seen some results. I feel so bad cuz i had a can of regular coke last night. 130 calories which actually means i blew my fast but i am not eating any food whatsoever and that was the only thing besides water id had in 2 days, i will not let that happen again. But anyways i stayed the night with alen and did my taxes today (2200 coming back) yeeeaaahhhh!!! savin up for me and alens trip to miami. Must be thin and rich by june 6th!!! that is my ultimate goal. But anyways i have a midterm tomorrow and i havent even cracked the book yet. wtf im such a failure i swear. but im going off to study for the day. and thanks to kat for the comment on my earlier blog. hopefully this fat phase wont last weeks and weeks. the skinnier the faster, the better =)

think thin loves <3

BJ

her back

Is gorgeous && thin....beautiful bones

.day one.

mmmmm. o my first day of fasting was actually pretty easy. the only thing im thinkin is bad is the 16 ounce americano i had today. I put 2 tablespoons of soy milk in it. bad right?? but today i occupied my time soooooo well. I made myself try to look pretty then me and alen went and walked around campus taking ridiculous pictures in random places. hahaha he is seriously the best friend i never got in high school. and hes the only person I talk to about my ed. thank gosh nobody knows. but who could tell, im still a cow anyways...but after we did that i went to work and then worked out. I swam 20 laps and did the stairmaster. Im such an idiot because I left one of my gym shoes in the dorm. i was sooooo determined to work out that I just wore my flats instead. I swear i looked like a retard...But anywho I stepped on the scale after coming out of the sauna, and WOAH, I LOST 6 POUNDS IN 4 DAYS. which made me superrrr happy because its actually the first weight iv lost since the holidays which makes me super happy. I still have a long way to go. (gw- 115-120) but im going to keep on going with this fast. ooooh and sugarfree cinnamon gum. (ana`s crack for me) =) seriously....

stay strong everyone <3

xox
BJ

10 day fast.

ok so im sick of binging and being to afraid to purge. I need to lose this weight. I am starting a 10 day fast today. tips would be lovely? ana buddies?? anyone want to join me and we can keep eachother motivated =) yay!! (btw) the pic on the right is me. yes I know, im huge....working on being as thin as the pic on the left. now SHE is beautiful!)

think thin
xox

cow-ard.

Today was ridiculous. I had sooooo many efing calories its crazy. I need to fast. and seriously. I need some ideas on how to control cravings...like I smoke but it seems like after an hour im even hungrier.....errrrgggg. help me.

.fast thru the pain.

Hello All,

My first post on blogspot & Im pretty excited about how Im looking. My mom said yesterday after not seeing me in two weeks "wow, you`ve lost more weight?" shes crazy, im still a fat pig. Iv been fasting for 2 days now. I had half of some sheppards pie before that and felt so sick. I dont understand why now whenever I eat a little bit of anything I feel sick to my stomach as if Im too full. I dont know how to make myself throw up or if I should even get started into that. Uhhhhggg help the cow please! lol. Other than that school is going ok and theres a party tonight. The guy throwing it is a huge hottie but Im sure he`ll never notice a fatty like me =(......I dont know what Im doing wrong but it seems like all the ugly guys are attracted to me. Maybe its because Im just ugly...lol. urrggh my life sucks. I dont know why but today is just kind of an ick day. Im sooo hungry but Im just going to keep chugging water and holding my breath. I WILL make it through this fast if it kills me....I have to make it to my GW...